


A Christmas Trio

by Sophiablue90



Series: Love, laughs and trouble with the ADA [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Arguing, Bubble Bath, Christmas, Christmas Party, F/M, Fluff, Hurt, Teasing, surprise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-05 12:30:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5375246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sophiablue90/pseuds/Sophiablue90
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>' “Mwah, mwah, mwah”.</p>
<p>Rafael placed little kisses down your back as you sat in the bath, him behind with his legs on either side of you. He ran his hands up and down your sides, delighting in the little goosebumps appearing on your skin.'</p>
<p>This Christmas will comprise of a bath, a party and a surprise for the couple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Christmas Bath

“Mwah, mwah, mwah”.

Rafael placed little kisses down your back as you sat in the bath, him behind with his legs on either side of you. He ran his hands up and down your sides, delighting in the little goosebumps appearing on your skin. You had washed your hair and twisted it into a bun on the top of your head. This gave Rafael perfect access to your neck and couldn’t resist sucking it. You played with the bubbles and occasionally threw some over your shoulder at him, which made him pinch you every time you didn’t miss.

“Time has flown so fast hasn’t it? Imagine its Christmas in 2 weeks”.  
“Hmm, my caseload is as heavy as ever” he replied sullenly.  
“How much time do you have off this year?”  
“Probably only Christmas day and 2 days at New Years”.  
“Do you think you could take another few days off at New Years?” you ask innocently.  
Rafael grunted. “Doubt it”.  
You turned your head around so you could rest your chin on your shoulder and flutter your eyelashes. “Do you think maybe you could try?”.  
Rafael squinted. “You’re planning something aren’t you?”. He knew when you were concocting some crazy adventure. You would blink fast and struggle to keep the corners of your mouth from rising into a smile.

“Maybe” you winked and turned your head forward again. You could feel his eyes boring into the back of your head. You could almost hear him thinking. You grinned to yourself when suddenly a pair of arms wrapped around you and moved you back to rest on your chest. You sighed. You loved the feel of his belly and chest hair on your back. He nuzzled his nose into your hair and kissed the top of your ear before clearing his throat.

“You haven’t told me what you’d like for Christmas yet”.  
You threw your head back dramatically and raised one leg out of the water so it was bent in the air with toes curled. “Diamonds daarling, loads of beautiful diaamonnds”.  
“Would theatre lessons at Juillard suffice?” Rafael retorted.  
You splashed water back at him in retaliation, “You cheeky bastard!” but you could feel Rafael’s chest shake with silent laughs. You sat up and turned 45 degrees so you faced the side of the bath and Rafael could see your side profile. You could feel his eyes drinking in your form. Your jawline and soft chin below your pouty lips. Continuing on to your neckline, your chest and your perky nipples, making your breasts look amazing from his angle. You could see Rafael’s hands on his chest itching to touch them. You decided to tease him. You turned again so you were directly facing him. You used your knee to force open his legs and crawl forward. You grabbed his hands and held them in yours beside his head while you leaned over him, allowing your breasts and stomach to hover over his chest but not touch.

“You know what I’d love?” you asked in a husky voice.  
Rafael nodded quickly and gulped. His eyes wandered down your chest before meeting your eyes again. You lowered yourself slightly so only your nipples brushed against his. He took a sharp inhale before you continued.

“That little red thong we saw in Victoria’s Secret last weekend. Y’know the one with the silk ties at the side and the little diamonte detail at the front. Maybe with that satin and lace babydoll that was beside it?” You lowered your face so that your lips almost touched his when you spoke again. “Hmm? Could you get that for me baby?”

At that, Rafael crushed his lips to yours. He broke his hands free and pulled your body down on top of his. You squealed at his grip. You could feel him half hard under you as you fought for air between kisses. He bit your lip which made you whimper and grind down on him, which in turn made him moan loudly. You used this opportunity to pull away, though Rafael’s fingernails were almost scraping along your waist to keep you in place.

“Remember last time we had sex in the tub?”  
Rafael shook his head. He couldn’t think, you knew all he had on his mind was you in that babydoll.  
You reminded him, “Your toe caught in the chain and drained the water. We ended up like 2 slippery stranded fishes”.  
Rafael smirked. “If I recall, you were still wet”.  
You couldn’t help laughing. You used a hand on his chest as leverage to sit back and pull your legs around to stand up. You blushed as he watched you raise your legs over the side of the tub and swing your hips from side to side as you walked to the towel rail.

“Aren’t you getting out?”  
You turned round as Rafael stood up in the bath. You couldn’t help admiring his physique. His strong shoulders and arms, his gold chain nestled under the sexy splattering of chest hair, his belly that you absolutely adored which he couldn’t understand, his ass and those thighs. And that package……speechless. He caught you staring and his smirk got bigger.

“Bring me a towel would you please” he requested.  
You had wrapped yourself up already and grabbed his towel – Egyptian cotton, hand-sewn edges and a royal purple colour. He stepped out of the bath as you walked over and put his hands on his hips. He was still half hard. “Could you put it round me please?”

You asshole, you thought to yourself. This was Rafael’s way of getting back at you for teasing him before. Nevertheless you were happy to oblige. You covered his ass with the towel and brought the ends to the front to tuck the pieces together. He stretched his hands out to your hips and massaged them slowly through your towel, staring at you intensely. Oh he knows how to play you, you thought. But two can play at his game.

“Am I still going to your work Christmas party this Saturday?”  
He looked confused at the sudden change. “Eh yeah I mean you want to come with me don’t you?”  
“Of course, you hadn’t talked about it since you first brought it up, I just wanted to check”.  
Rafael thought for a second before nodding. “Yeah everyone is going to be there so I better make an appearance. But we don’t have to stay long if you don’t want. I know you don’t like that stuffy crowd”.

Last year your work Christmas parties clashed so you went to yours while Rafael went to his for ‘connection purposes’. 2 years ago, you had taken time off work to care for your sick dad and had spent most of the winter months away from the city. Rafael had visited you most weekends and was so understanding and accommodating during the difficult time. You couldn’t recall why you hadn’t gone to the parties the years before but this Christmas would be the first one you would attend together. You were nervous to meet his colleagues though it helped Rafael disliked most of them. Less people you had to impress then. 

“No I want to” you said, walking to the sink to brush your teeth. “It should be nice”.  
Rafael grunted, which made you roll your eyes. He hated the falseness of Christmas. People should be giving all year round he would say, not just because there’s a green pine tree with a star in the corner. You understood his point, but pointing it out at dinner on Christmas day when the turkey is being carved in front of your family is never the right time to act Mr Scrooge. 

You could see from the reflection in the mirror that he was scanning you up and down. You bent over the sink a little to let your towel rise up over your hips. You suppressed a laugh when you heard him groan. You turned and walked towards the bathroom door. On the way, you unwound your towel so that it fell to the floor. You looked back at Rafael to see his face had become heated with desire. You’ve tormented him long enough you think.

“Can you bring some cocoa butter to bed for me? My muscles are a bit tense” you asked playfully.  
Rafael growled and ran forward to lift you into his arms. He kissed you passionately as you ran your fingers through his damp hair. He laid you down on the bed and left you only momentarily to fetch the moisturiser. You stretched your arms and moved them to rest behind your head. You watched and sighed as he began massaging your feet, moving slowly up your legs.

This is heaven, you thought. You put your hand to your forehead and exhaled theatrically.  
“All this work is making your poor body sore, would you like me to help you relax after?” you teased in a fake southern accent.  
He grinned as he leaned over you to kiss your lips, “I insist”.

Of course you will, you smiled.


	2. A Christmas Party

You finished applying your lipstick in your bathroom mirror and smoothed out the imaginary wrinkles of your dress for the fifth time. You had decided on a simple red dress with a sweetheart neckline. You had also picked a white lace wrap, a black sequin clutch and pointy stilettos to complete the outfit. One final squirt of rose scented perfume and you were ready. You ran your fingers through your hair just to keep it in place before leaving the bathroom. You could hear the ramblings of Rafael as he questioned why he had agreed on going to the Christmas work party. It was being held in one of the banquet rooms in the Four Seasons Hotel in Midtown. As a treat, you had decided to book a suite in the hotel as a surprise for tonight. Rafael had just lost a case that he had been working on for months and you wanted to treat him. Anything to try and cheer him up after days of him being in a foul mood.

You saw him fixing his tie in the bedroom mirror. He was wearing a light grey three piece suit with a silky blue tie and red handkerchief. After he was satisfied with the tie’s position, his hands moved to adjust his collar then finally to fix any stray hairs from his coiffure. You whistled then said, “No Christmas jumper then?” He turned to give you his raised eyebrow glare but upon seeing you, his face softened.

“You look beautiful”.  
You smiled and walked over to him. You loved the way his eyes kept scanning every inch of you as if he was afraid he’d miss something. 

“Thank you. You look beautiful too”. You placed your hands on his shoulders and pecked his cheek. “Hmm, and you smell gorgeous too” you said as you leaned in for a kiss on the lips. He blushed. You loved how you could make him flustered with such little effort. “Ready to go?”

He nodded quickly while grabbing his wallet and throwing on his overcoat and scarf. He helped you with your black wool coat and held your hand as you walked to the front door. “We’re not in public yet Rafael, save the romance for then” you joked. Rafael was almost never affectionate when you were out. He was taught growing up to guard his emotions. It was hard to reassure him that’s its ok to give the odd kiss or cuddle outdoors, though you are not a fan of excessive displays of love in public either. Rafael scoffed and rolled his eyes as he closed the door behind you both. Outside the lobby you hailed a cab and headed across town. In the cab Rafael constantly fiddled with his tie. Adjusting it one way then 2 minutes later, adjusting it another. You took his hand and squeezed it, giving him a smile. 

The hall looked amazing. Huge chandeliers hung in rows from the ceiling. Waiters buzzed around the guests with silver trays of champagne. Tables lined the sides of the hall with platters of tasty bites and appetisers. A large overdecorated Christmas tree stood in the corner. Rafael laughed watching your expression as you took in the room. You always felt like a child at Christmas – full of excitement and awe. Rafael often said that you tended to act like a child too. Ripping open presents on early Christmas morning, memorised by lights and decorations, distracted and fidgeting at Christmas Eve mass. Tonight he could almost see the sparkling lights reflected in your eyes. He wrapped his arm around your waist and gave your cheek a quick kiss. “Would you like a drink from the bar?” “I’m fine with this” you replied holding up your glass. “Wait here, I’ll be back in a second”. You saw him head towards the bar on the far side of the room, disappearing into the mass of people. You turned to the table behind you and picked at the nibbles.

“Hey”.  
You saw a lanky man with blond hair approach you from your right.  
“You’re here with the counsellor am I correct?”  
You nodded. “Yes, do you know him?”  
“My name is Sonny Carisi, I’m a detective with SVU. I’m also in Law school at night. Fordham. I’m sitting the bar next summer”.  
You smiled. You frequently listened to Rafael moaning or commenting about him many times.

“Ah yes, Rafael talks about you”. You failed to mention in what manner though. You saw Sonny’s face lit up to rival the Christmas tree behind him.

“Does he really? Ah man that’s great. Y’know he let me shadow him on a case, it was awesome. I really feel I could learn a lot from him. He’s great in the courtroom. A legend I might say. Did he tell you about the time he let a defendant put a belt round his neck to show the jury the creep’s true colours? I was in Queens at the time but man, it was talked about everywhere.”

You wondered if he took a breath between thoughts.  
“Yes I remember he came home with red marks round his neck. I thought he’d been up to no good” you joked.

“Ha I bet the man has his kinks, you’d have to wear them bright suspenders and socks. Am I right?”  
You only laughed and sipped your champagne. “If only I could divulge such information Detective”.

“Oh man you are awesome. Hey maybe we could all go on a double date sometime with this girl I’m seeing, Tina? She’s here tonight, powdering her nose in the restroom. Like movies and dinner? There’s this fantastic Italian diner in Brooklyn, serves the best ravioli in the city. Shall we set up a date?”.  
“Ask Rafael, I’m sure he’d love to” you smiled. You didn’t have the heart to turn Sonny down. You knew Rafael would shudder at the thought of a double date with him.

“Awesome” Sonny replied and started picking at the food nearby. You turned to look at the crowd. It was a sea of suits and cocktail dresses, everyone laughing and mingling. The atmosphere was full of chatter, glasses clinking and delicate string music in the background. You scanned the faces to find Rafael. You eventually spotted him next to Olivia, her arm linked with his. His other arm was holding the glass of scotch Rafael had left you to get. You took a gulp of your drink. You knew you shouldn’t be jealous, that they were close friends who worked a lot together. But the soft look on Rafael’s face when she was around made you question if there were any underlying feelings from either party. You saw Olivia laughing at something Rafael said, then pat her hand on his shoulder. You could see Sonny in your side view still eating.

“I’v found Rafael, I see him over there talking to Olivia”.  
Sonny turned his head quickly. “Oh yeah, they’re two peas in a pod, they’re real close”.  
You only hummed in response. He continued.  
“Y’know there was a bet of how long it would be until Rafael asked Olivia out. We never knew he had a girlfriend. Probably only Liv knew. I say they talk about stuff like that”.  
“Probably”, you replied. You were determined to get over this jealousy. No doubt there would other occasions where you would all be together. “Shall we join them?”

Sonny nodded enthusiastically. You walked over to the pair together. “Hey counsellor” Sonny shouted before you were even two feet from them. Rafael turned his head, slightly irritated as he heard Sonny’s voice. When he saw you beside him, his eyes wrinkled as he smiled and held out his hand towards you. You took it and stepped into your place beside him as he put his hand on your lower back. You hadn’t even realised that Sonny had been talking the whole time.

“I didn’t know you’d be here Counselor, I saw you come in a few minutes ago with your girlfriend here. Lovely lady I must say. She said that you’d both join me and my girl Tina for some fine Italian dining in Brooklyn. We should get our schedules together and work out a day we’re both free. I’d love you to meet her, I’ve told her so much about you..”

“Carisi, please, stop” Rafael spelt out, as you and Olivia shared a quiet laugh.  
“I think Carisi is just so glad to spend some time with you Barba” Olivia joked, nudging Rafael’s arm.  
Rafael only grunted in response and took a sip of his scotch.  
“Have you guys seen Fin or Rollins yet?” Sonny asked, oblivious to it all.

Olivia shook her head. “I don’t think Amanda is coming, she’s spending time with her little baby. And Fin is probably more likely to be at a club than at a Christmas party”.  
Sonny nodded quickly. “Oh Amanda’s little one is the cutest. Not as cute as my godchild but near enough. I can’t wait to have kids”. He turned to you, “Have you guys decided on kids yet?” and looked between you and Rafael. You smiled as you were about to respond but Rafael chimed in, “Not that it’s your business Carisi, but it’s not in the near future”. 

That was a surprise to you. And you were sure your face reflected this as Olivia smiled at you sympathetically before looking down. You felt your cheeks burn. You looked sideways at Rafael to see him take another sip of his scotch. You drowned out the rest of Sonny’s ramblings. If after 5 years with you that Rafael still didn’t want kids, when would he be ready? Or does he even want them? You had talked about it occasionally and Rafael had nodded along without contributing much to the conversation. You didn’t think of it at those times, most men go quiet with panic at the mention of possible future kids. But now you’re not so sure. All you knew was that you wanted one, maybe two. And every day passing was a reminder of your increasing age. 

You realised that the conversation had gone silent and that the three of them were looking at you. “You alright?” Rafael whispered. You nodded with a brief smile, “just felt tired there all of a sudden. I’m fine though”.  
“Do you want to go home?” he asked concerned.  
“I can stay for another while”. Rafael rubbed the small of your back up and down. Olivia then leant forward to you, “Restroom?”  
You sighed “Yeah maybe I need to sit down”.  
Rafael and Sonny watched as you and Olivia weaved your way to the restroom. Once inside you put your hands on the sink counter, let out a breath and looked into the mirror. You began fixing little stray hairs and smoothing down your dress.

“Everything ok?” Olivia appeared beside you.  
“Just……a bit surprised that’s all. I didn’t know that’s what Rafael was thinking. Or not, in this case”.  
“You didn’t talk about having kids?”  
“Well I did, Rafael was more of a silent participant in those talks. I thought it was nerves or something. But 5 years together and I feel sometimes when we’re outside the apartment I don’t know him. And no one apparently knew about me which makes me wonder. Am I just…convenient? I believe he loves me. But does he want it uncomplicated so if anything happens, its easy to walk away?” You hadn’t meant to say all that, but there was something about Olivia that made it so easy to talk to her.

“Well he’s a very private man at work” Olivia said.  
“There’s very private, then there’s hiding. Do you know I didn’t meet his mum til after 3 years together? He met my parents after a few months”.  
“Hmm. He’s odd alright” Olivia agreed.  
You laughed. You felt stupid for feeling a bit jealous over her and Rafael’s relationship, though now didn’t feel like the right time to joke about it. You didn’t want to come across as totally pathetic.  
Olivia continued, “Talk to him. He talks to me about you, he thinks the world of you”.

You suddenly got curious. “Really? What does he say?”  
“Oh y’know the usual stuff. Advice on arguments or quarrels you have, ideas for gifts, he’s hopeless at shopping for women, he even asks me for his mom”.  
Hmm, interesting. He doesn’t ask you what to buy for his mother. And you suddenly felt weird at how Olivia knew so much about your relationship and its problems way before you had met. And you had even met during the time Rafael left the home after you brought up his father and wasn’t answering your calls. You had bumped into them in a bar that Rafael wouldn’t go to with you. You had to change the subject.

“How’s Noah? Rafael mentions him from time to time”.  
Olivia smiled warmly. “He’s great. Doing so well. Best thing that’s happened to me”.  
You felt happy for her. You knew from the news and snippets from Rafael that she had been through a lot.

“Shall we go back out?” You asked. You just wanted to go home, your head was pounding.  
“You sure you’re ok? You’re quite pale.” Olivia said concerned.  
“I might head home, I’ll just tell Rafael”.

You saw Rafael and Sonny standing in a circle with a group of men. Knowing Sonny, you thought, most likely lawyers. Olivia had run into old colleagues when you had left the restroom. She was reluctant to leave you in case you might faint but you insisted that there was no need to worry. When you reached Rafael, you placed a hand on his back. He turned around and held your hand.  
“Everything ok?”  
God you wished you wouldn’t be asked that anymore tonight.  
“I might head home, I don’t feel well”.

Rafael studied your face.  
“Is this about what I said to Sonny?” Shit. You had hoped he wouldn’t read anything into you wanting to leave.  
“No, I just don’t feel well, my head is sore”. That was partly true.  
Rafael paused before nodding. You could tell he didn’t fully believe you. He excused himself from his circle. You asked as he walked to the door with you “Are they some colleagues of yours?”  
“Some of them are ADAs, some are from NYPD, the others are just trying to get votes for the next election”.  
You looked at Rafael, “You’d make a good judge”.  
“Definitely no time for raising kids if I want to be Your Honour” Rafael joked.

You had reached the hotel revolving door and had collected your coats when a pang in your stomach hit you. You couldn’t contain yourself any longer.  
“Yeah Raf, that’s bothering me. You don’t see kids in our future?”  
Rafael froze. “I believe I said ‘not in near future’”.  
You raised your eyebrow. “You do know that there’s a time limit on these things right”.  
He sighed. “I know. Just now is not good time. Let’s play it by ear”.  
You shook your head. “That’s not good enough. I’m tired of being the ‘imaginary’ girlfriend. I want a commitment, a plan, a future that’s near. Don’t you?”

Rafael looked around him. Probably worried if someone he worked with overheard. “Let’s talk later”.  
You replied despondently, “sure”. You were now outside on the pavement when you remembered. “Damn”.  
“What?” You could tell Rafael was getting annoyed.  
You sighed. “I had booked us a room in the hotel. As a surprise for you. To cheer you up after losing that case a few weeks ago”.  
“I’m not a child, I don’t need sweets to cheer me up”. 

You knew he was pissed at you bringing up personal matters at a work function, but this snarky attitude was uncalled for. You’d had enough.

“Fine. I’ll stay in the room while you go home. Or back to the party I don’t really care”.  
Rafael moved closer to you, looking around again in case the ground had ears. “Come on, don’t-“  
“Stop looking round, no one can hear. Like anyone gives a fuck what we’re saying. Including you it seems” you shouted.  
He let out a sigh and tilted his head to the side, “c’mon”

You shook your head. Your mouth opened to form words but you couldn’t. You had nothing left to say. You turned on your heels back into the lobby to check into your room. The receptionist gave you your key and pointed to the elevator. As you leant against the side of the elevator and the doors closed, you could see Rafael in the lobby. He looked sad, lost, angry. You leant your head back against the wall and sighed. Your headache made your head pulse and you almost felt sick from it. You closed your eyes. Finally - darkness, peacefulness, silence.


	3. A Christmas surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything was luxurious. But cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for all the kudos and comments! This story kinda took on a mind of its own towards the end. It'll continue in part 4, probably wont be up til next week sometime.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy reading :)

You took in the room. A kingsize bed with exquisite carved wooden posts and a golden fabric canopy stood adjacent to floor-to-ceiling windows. On the other side of the windows was a small mahogany round table with 2 dining chairs. A widescreen tv hung on the wall opposite the bed. A white painted door frame led into the restroom and further in was the shower, toilet and white ceramic bath. The counters and floors were white and grey marble. The taps were gold. Everything was luxurious. But cold. 

You slipped out of your dress and shoes and wrapped yourself in one of the two soft bathrobes that were folded on the bed. You stared at the robe left on the bed, then tossed it to the floor. You walked over to the windows and stared out as you warmed your hands in your pockets. Lights glittered from every direction. You could see cabs lining the streets, their horns filtering through the glass. You could make out people walking with their friends on the pavements, laughing and full of joy. Light snow was beginning to fall, making the world outside seem like it was covered in icing sugar. Sweet and comforting. 

You turned your head to look at the hotel door. For some reason you expected him to crash through the door, drop to his knees and beg for you. But that wasn’t Rafael’s style. He doesn’t grovel. You looked at your reflection in the glass. Pitiful you thought. Sighing, you lay down on the bed. Your stomach was clenching up, making you feel queasy. You gripped your tummy and turned over to your side. Mildly better you thought. Maybe some food would help. You hadn’t eaten much before you left. 

As you picked up the room phone to call down to the restaurant, a knock rapped on the door. You threw yourself off the bed to fling the door open to be disappointed to find it was a porter with food and an icebucket with chilled wine. You now remembered that you had arranged this when booking the room. You tipped the man and shut the door. Under the silver warmer were two plates of steak with vegetables and creamed potatoes. Desert looked like meringues with berries and cream, with dark chocolate truffles for after. You plonked yourself at the end of the bed and turned on the tv, flicking through the channels aimlessly while stuffing the truffles in your mouth. You felt more sick and crawled up the bed to the pillows. 

Suddenly your phone rang in your clutch. You knew it must be Rafael. You hadn’t thought about what had happened, your mind felt too numb and confused. You let the phone ring out, until it began ringing again. Groaning, you slid off the bed and grabbed your clutch. The phone inside was lit up – Rafael calling. You hesitated. You thought about not answering. But you went through hell when he did that to you and you didn’t want to put him through that. You slid the screen lock across.

“Hello?” You said tentatively.  
A pause. “You ok?”  
You sighed, “I’m tired of that question”.  
You heard him sigh, “Can I come up?”  
You looked at the clock, 10.30pm. “Party’s over is it?”  
You heard a huff, “I’m not interested in a party, come on, I can’t leave knowing you’re upset upstairs. Please?” His voice was growing quieter with each word.  
You felt bad. Maybe you overreacted earlier, you did tend to act before thinking rationally in these situation.  
“Ok, room 510”. 

Your heart was beating hard in your chest. You had no idea what was going to happen. You wanted things to go back to normal but with a change. Not be the girlfriend whose name never darkens Rafael’s lips when he’s out but his wife and/or the mother of his child. He had told you before that you were family. Then prove it, you thought. You rubbed your hands down your face. You felt like a monster, you knew he was a good guy. But you wished he would think more of a home life. When he retires, is he going to be content spending his days in an empty house? Hell, you weren’t sure if he would ever retire. A quick knock disturbed your thoughts.

You opened the door, “Hi” you said. He looked pensive.  
“Can I come in?”  
You nodded quickly. You closed the door behind him as he entered the room. You saw him look round the room the same way you did. You knew he would have loved this. He turned his head back to you. “How’s the head?” His brow was furrowed.  
“Been better”.  
He looked at the platter of food you picked through. And the almost empty bottle of wine. “That won’t help it”.  
You started to get defensive, “Well I was upset” and you lay down on the bed. He watched you, then came to stand beside you. “Can I sit?”  
You started to fidget and pick at your thumbnail. You shrugged your shoulders in response. He sighed, rubbed his nose then sat down cautiously at the edge.

“I know you want kids. Someday I might want them too, but not now. I’m too busy, work is my priority, it wouldn’t be fair to them”  
You stared at him, “Am I not a priority?” you questioned.  
He seemed shocked you would even ask, “of course”.  
“So I am but what I want isn’t?”  
“Don’t twist it” he said as you huffed. He placed his hand on yours. “Of course your needs are important to me, you know that. But you have to compromise sometimes”.  
“You can’t compromise with biology Rafael. You’re in your forties, I’m 35. If we don’t start planning now, it’ll be too late”.  
Rafael tilted his head, “Maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing”  
“WHAT?” you couldn’t contain your anger.

Rafael sighed. “It’s nice, the two of us. I like things the way they are. I don’t know how I’d feel about a baby in the apartment”. He lowered his gaze, “It scares me”.  
You held his hand between the two of yours and sat up so you could face him.  
“I know it’s scary. But it would be your baby. A little girl or boy. Hmm? I know it’s scary, the change, the worry of the unknown. But we can try?” You moved your hands to either side of his face.

Rafael shook his head. “I had an absent father and mami was working all the time. I don’t want to put a child through that”.  
You caressed his cheeks and ran your hands through his hair. “We can work something out. I could apply for clinical trials manager so more paperwork that I can do at home and I’d only have to be in work a few times a week. If you become judge, y’know, 9-5 job so you would be home too”.

“That’s very wishful thinking” Rafael murmured. “And I don’t even know if I want to leave SVU”.  
You sat back and dropped your hands to your knees. “Oh. That’s new”. Rafael kept his eyes on you. “We could still make it work..” your voice trailed off at him shaking his head.

“I’m sorry” he squeezed your hand. “I don’t want them. Not now. I can’t say for sure about later”.  
You felt your eyes get stingy. “Thanks for telling me now” you spat out.  
He raised an eyebrow. “What difference does it make whether I tell you now or later? You wanted to date me, to move in together. Does me not wanting kids erase all your feelings for me?”

Shit. Things were moving onto delicate ground. You became frightened of how this would end.

“Not erase them necessarily. Just change them, slightly”.  
“How?” he exclaimed.  
You were hesitant. “Maybe I wouldn’t have allowed it to get as serious”.  
Rafael’s eyes opened wide. “What?”  
“If I’d known then that you didn’t want the ‘family’ life, maybe” you emphasized again “MAYBE, I would have slowed things down a bit. Been more cautious”.

“Because now you know I don’t want kids?”  
“Because now I know we don’t want the same things”.  
He glared at you, “Do you want me?”

You paused and glanced sideways, which ended up being the final nail in the coffin. 

Rafael stood up sharp and drew out his conclusions angrily. “So childless you don’t want me but with child you do?”  
You could imagine him arguing this out in a courtroom. And you were the criminal in the witness box.

“I want you with the whole package Rafael”.  
He was getting snarky now, “Well you can’t have fucking everything princess”.

You could feel your temper rising. You didn’t care anymore, you just wanted to hurt him.

“Maybe you don’t want to be a father because you’re afraid you’ll end up like yours”

His fists started clenching. You could see his knuckles turning white. You had given in to your anger and you couldn’t hold back now. You jumped up and stood in front of him defiantly. 

“Maybe you don’t want to be a father because you KNOW you’ll end up like yours”.

You knew how to hurt him.

“Or maybe because you KNOW you’re like him already”. 

You had succeeded. His face was full of disbelief and his eyes got rounder. You thought he was going to start crying. You felt shame creeping up on you. You instantly regretted being so callous. You hung your head. You sneaked a peek up at him to see he was grinding his teeth and his lips were sealed in a grimace. You looked away before he caught you. 

You were a coward. You bit your lip, trying to think of how to apologise. You were too afraid to speak. Or too ashamed more like. Your stomach starting clenching again.

“I’m sorry” you whispered. You kept your head down.  
“What?” you could almost see fire in Rafael’s eyes.  
“I….I’m sorry” you felt tears forming. A few got loose and ran down your cheek. You could feel Rafael watch you wipe them away. You looked up through your eyelashes to see his face was expressionless and cold. 

He opened his mouth to speak. You braced yourself for what was to come.

“Maybe” he spat out “I don’t want to be a father because I don’t want to be tied to a fucking bitch like you forever” and spun on his heels. 

Your eyes stayed on the floor as you felt the walls shake when the door slammed. You watched as your dripping tears formed random patterns on the floor. Your stomach suddenly heaved and you ran to the toilet. You stayed on the tiled floor all night. By the morning, your eyes were red, your lips were blue and your stomach was sore.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

You walked home. It took a little less than two hours but you had timed it so you wouldn’t have to meet Rafael at home. You didn’t think your stomach could stick it. Your head still pounded. Maybe you should have stayed quiet, been happy with just Rafael and that old saying ‘what will be, will be’. But you always strived to have everything possible, and you didn’t imagine that it would spin out of control like that. At a Christmas party for Christ sake. You shuddered with embarrassment. 

Your stomach gave another clench. What the hell is wrong with it?! Did you eat something spoilt? Was it coming up to time of the month or- You stopped walking. You had been on the pill for the past few months. So you and Rafael hadn’t used condoms in ages. You counted back. You were late. By two weeks. Fuck.

You hurried into the nearest drugstore and bought several tests. The woman behind the counter smiled at you, “Best of luck dear”. You couldn’t form a smile. You couldn’t even form a thought. You practically ran the last block home. You tapped your foot impatiently in the elevator, getting looks from the other person standing beside you. 

At your floor, you fished out your keys and headed straight to the toilet. Two minutes to wait. You listened for sounds in the apartment. Nothing. You treaded carefully to your bedroom. You immediately noticed some of Rafael’s drawers were partially open. You saw that he had taken out socks, underwear and vests. Lower drawers had shirts and casual pants removed. You checked his wardrobe. Several suits were missing, spaces could be seen in his tie racks and handkerchief boxes. Your pulse was getting louder and louder in your ears. A quick scan of his dresser showed his watch was gone as well as his soapbag. You walked heavily to the storage closet. His leather bag that he used for vacations and trips was gone.

You started whimpering as you entered the bathroom. You didn’t have to even pick it up to know the result, you could see the pink ‘yes’ in the reflection in the mirror. Your stomach clenched one final time as you slouched over the sink, your head hitting against your folded arms on the counter. You started sobbing.

You were pregnant. With Rafael’s child. One that he was adamant he didn’t want. That he didn’t want with you.

And Rafael was gone. Where or for how long you didn’t know.

Pregnant and alone at Christmas. 

What the fuck have you done


End file.
